Dear "Family":

The burden of my mental illness is too much for me to handle. I have absolutely no control over my violent rage and desire to kill myself and kill you for all the "verbal diarrhea" we exchange. I have always been a firm believer in letting feelings just happen, but obviously you don't share the same desires. Jesus has told me I must journey to Olympia, Washington to escape these mental chains of emotional drama that we all must conquer within ourselves. All I need now is one favor, a one way ticket to Olympia and I may go kill myself, for all I hear is I need medication, how I need to calm down, but from this side of the mirror, you seem to be quite incapable of "calming down" too. All the blame is too much. I receive tremendous calming love from the rest of the world, but here all I feel is hate. But this is only a delusion but they are feeling which at least I respect.

Obviously, we cannot communicate on "normal" terms, and I can't even look at you without feeling like you all hate me, and the feelings go both ways, reflecting only pure. raw. deadly, devilish bondage. . . in other words. . .Hate, Blame, Anger and Denial. . .I quit, I surrender.

Just give me a ticket, you must buy it, for I am not to be trusted, most likely because of my "hypersexual behavior." I most likely will spend the money on dope or a prostitute. I am such a disgrace to the family, you should continue to be dreadfully ashamed of my obnoxious behavior. Everybody hates me and my singing and my writing, as you tell me. You are my parents, thus you have the right to tell me what to do. It doesn't matter that I am over twenty one and have legal freedom. I AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE A PSYCHOPATH, SO I HAVE THIS BURNING DESIRE TO GO KILL MYSELF OR SOMEONE ELSE, I AM CRAZY AND A TERRIBLE PERSON. I AM THE DEVIL, LOOK AT HOW I DESTROY YOUR "HAPPY PEACEFUL" HOME. So, I realize you hate spending money on me, but I refuse to come home until I get SS benefits or until I bring this family to court. Get ready for some "verbal diarrhea" from a daughter who needs a "brain transplant or to take medication before she comes home!!!" for I. irresponsible parenting II. conditional love III. material slavery IV. cruel hurtful words . .. .denial that anything could be wrong with your behavior. FAILURE TO TAKE ME SERIOUSLY, I AM NOT MENTALLY ILL, WE ALL FEEL RAGE. I feel you are to blame for my irresponsible behavior, for without unconditional love, I do not believe I am worthy of a "real" job. All I hear from this "family who loves me more than anyone else" is how bad my behavior is. You never consider that it takes more than one person to hurt a family. Again, I repeat, we cannot live together, so I am gone. You choose, we will go to court, but I HAVE ANGER, and I need to go "CALM DOWN" and take a vacation from a truly cruel family in tremendous denial. I love living on the streets. Words are just words, but emotions are everything. You can go off in your delusion that I am a worthless woman who is nothing because I don't have a "real" job. I don't want your material charity or your B.S."love" for LOVE DOES NOT CONTROL, IT JUST IS!!! Can you just let it be? You'd better let me be, because now, legally, you have no choice!!! Your daughter you never knew and never really care to know--thus I refuse to even be associate with such mean people--no positive attention received, no respect for honesty and truth. Goodbye cruel family living in the "normal" world. . . goodbye, goodbye, and a thousand goodbyes, just buy me a one-way ticket and I am outta here until I get some real money.

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After her commitment hearing and hospitalization, Jessica accepted
that her family's love and support was her best hope for continued recovery.

All Photographs ©2006-2007 Boris Dolin
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